i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
