so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
