This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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