my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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