glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
