Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
