Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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