he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
