Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize