if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
did i walk over a car last night?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
