if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
