I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
