My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
