If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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