I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
