Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
