my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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