Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
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Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
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You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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