I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
