I could make wine with my vomit
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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