don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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