I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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