My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
