My sheets look like a crime scene.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
