My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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