it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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