Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
