When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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