she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
