i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
