I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
