HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
