my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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