I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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