I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
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I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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