His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
