I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
