Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
