my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
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Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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