I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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