In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
