I faked an abortion last night.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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