Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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