I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
