bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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