I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
