She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
