I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
