i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
