The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
