Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
