I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm at about main and main street
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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