He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
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BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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