the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
