My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
