John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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