3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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