WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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